It’s
been a little over two weeks since all my responsibilities at the church ended.
Sure the announcement was just this last Sunday but it was a scheduled
announcement so there was a bit of waiting around not being able to say
anything for a while. In other words, I’ve had a bit of time to digest this
stuff – to think about what should be said, how to say it, and what’s the safe
way to communicate the problems encountered…
In
the end it’s just fine to talk about weaknesses; to discuss the realities of depression
– the need for a medication and a counselor; to talk about the constant wear of
attempting to function in an area of gifting you’re not gifted with; to be real
about the pain of singleness in the ministry and the damned desire to be helped
and cared for.
In
the end it’s safe to honestly open up about the constant drudge of being barely
able to have the faith of salvation let alone the apparently necessary overt
faith of a pastor, to say that I can’t run off someone else’s passion any
longer.
In
the end it’s okay to tell people that the only way it was possible to fall
asleep at night was to try to remember what it was like in another land, when
war raged all around; to listen to mix CD’s from years ago while clinging to
your Bible and weeping for want of a returned hope.
In
the end… In the end it’ll be right to say that the darkness was necessary and
the sun shown more brightly; to remember the sting of losses and know them for
what they really are - bits that had to be pruned.
Sure
there’s a plan and a hope for the future, but the plan can’t be the hope. Yes,
there’s a past full of wishes for something different, but wishes don’t change
the past just like my future shouldn’t change my hope.
So
when the time comes to bid the Shadowland goodbye, it shouldn’t be from desires
for a different life or from the failed dreams I once held, but it should be
from the standpoint of knowing my hope-filled-anchor to be hidden with Christ
on high and thus my hope is my future and my present and my past – that is to mean
in weakness, and drudgery, and fear cling to Him who does cling to you.
