Pastoral Resignation

This morning I read a letter to the church I worked at and help start over the past three years. In that letter I announced my resignation from being a pastor. It was and has been a difficult time for me to process through much of the weight, emotions, frustrations, and worries that have come with and been a part of this decision – a decision that has been developing over the past six months.

In short it is time for me to rest.To remember the gospel which for the past six years of my life has been either a semi-professional or professional job for me. But the gospel isn’t a professional calling. No, it’s so much more and less than that. It’s more because it’s what doctors and lawyers and bankers and moms and dads and college students and grad students and nurses alike cling to for hope and joy and peace. And it’s less because it’s the simplicity of child like faith and awe; because its burden is easy and yoke is light; because it’s the symphony of grace and mercy. The gospel isn’t some ware to be pervade or sold; it is the treasure in the field for which we sell all out of joy.

Many sleepless nights and desperate cries to the darkness (and my steering wheel) have filled my life these past months. Talks with family, friends, a counselor, my doctor, and the elders as well as the impressing leading of God have brought me to this grueling decision. It hurts to – for this next season - lay down the pastoral role. Do I still feel a deep and abiding calling? No, I feel a deep and abiding passion for proclaiming the gospel. Callings are good, they give a sense of direction, but it’d be better put to feel a burning passion for the gospel rather than a call for ministry. While a call to vocational ministry is desired, before any of that who-haw can be true there must be a love for the gospel of grace of which I am a partaker and chiefly in need of. That though my sins be great, my God is greater. That while my treachery runs deep, His love runs deeper. That in the midst of loss Jesus is my comforter.

            Thus I am no longer a pastor at a church.

Generic Pastor’s ‘Favorites'

1) Favorite book: The Bible

 

2) Favorite color: The Color Bracelet

3) Favorite store: JC Pennys, Perfect Peace, Christian Book Stores…etc

4) Favorite painter: Thomas Kinkade

5) Favorite movie: The Passion of the Christ

6) Favorite car: Honda Accord (Jesus drove it)

7) Favorite day of the week: Sunday, followed closely by Wednesday (Night)

8) Favorite place to be: Wherever God wills

9) Favorite candy: Testamints

10) Favorite shoes: Sandals

11) Favorite clothes: A suit

*I didn't come up with all of these. Good friends and funny converstaions did.

Moving Forward

So, I've been working on this next series of posts (Check out a lil more on The What Nots page).

Thus, most of the mental capacity has been pushing in that direction and until that's written and being posted I'm not sure how many posts will be coming around. But there'll probably be these types of posts, ones chronicling my mind as I write this piece.

It’s a treaties I suppose. One wherein many of the feelings I’ve had for many years are finally being drawn out. Then it was about the prosperity gospel (If you want to read a terrible post from years ago, you can – but I don’t recommend it). Now it’s something much more.

Like I said, “for some years my mind has both raged against and worked through these issues and topics. Yet now, after years of intense learning (being a pastor will wreck you & build you) and the gracious development of God in my life and soul, I’m at a place to start writing.”

At least that’s how my journal reads.

I’ll need prayer, that’s for sure. ‘Cause I’m still young and still dumb. But I hope this next series is beneficial to all who read them, in any capacity at all.

Live & Die

This past weekend I was able to spend time with the leader and family of Love-N-Care Ministries.

Love-N-Care is reaching the people of India (as well as Germany and now stretching in South Africa) with the gospel of Jesus Christ while making disciples and calling others to make disciples. It was kind of intoxicating for me to be around them.

To dream.

About Wichita, about the world, about it all, about mission.

It’s a cliché word now-a-days, ‘mission.’ (I wrote a series of posts called ‘Rumored Thought’ about a pastor’s mission.) I hear it tossed around so carelessly, the meaning not really grasped.

Tombs.

He spoke of the tombs of missionaries in his country. Americans who had traveled to India to preach the gospel who never would return to America, they died there and were buried there. With tears in his eyes he said, “Thank you.”

My point is this: sooner or later we’re gonna die. Stop breathing and die. Get shot and die, car wreck, get old, bite the bullet, buy the farm, kick the can… Whatever, we’re going to die. And hopefully, by the sheer grace of God we’ll have lived for something worthwhile (the gospel).

Hopefully we haven’t spent our whole life on something pitiful. Even Aristotle got it, “The measure of good life is a life well lived.” Let’s just say this, a life well lived in the measure of eternity is the application and belief in the gospel.

Moms with their kids and dads with their wives and others whose call is to reach more than just a few folks: missionaries, pastors.

Some of us will be killed for the gospel. Others will die of old age having lived for the gospel. Both are the most admirable lives.

Rumored Thought (Pt. 4)

Here are Part1, Part 2, and Part 3.

“And who knows who are the people of God, when throughout the whole world, from its origin, the state of the Church was always such, that those who were called the people and saints of God who were not so; while others among them, who were as a refuse, and were not called the people and saints of God, were the Peoples and the Saints of God? As is manifest in the histories of Cain and Abel, of Ishmael and Isaac, of Esau and Jacob.” (Luther. p 97-98. Bondage of the Will.)

Just because one carries the title ‘Pastor’ does not make them a part of the Church. The title, you see, doesn’t make the Christian, not at all, Jesus makes a person a Christian and his Spirit gifts them to be pastor.

But leaders abound in all the world, in every religion, and in business. So is it possible to be a leader in the Church and not be a Christian? Yes. To the destruction of hundreds of souls, yes, it is possible.

Possible to preach week in and week out on the beauties of true religion, but not know it. Possible to elaborate on the nuances of the gospel and the life it ought to produce, yet dead. Possible to expound on the light of glory in the face of Jesus Christ, yet be blind.

Yet more horrifying than this, it is possible to lead a congregation to the pits of hell and be greeted by their screams upon his own entrance…

(Let that sink in and ask yourself whom are you following? A boy with a vendetta to have a following, or a man seeking to glorify God by giving up all he is to preach for nothing else than the glory of God?)

How does this tie into mission? By the pastor knowing the condition of his own soul before attempting to proclaim the gospel to other souls.

He is to be the leader in mission, and therefore he must believe what he will proclaim, or he will prove to be more of a hindrance than a help in the fight of faith; because his fight will be in another sector (maybe even another country) rather than on the same field as the true Church.

So simply being a pastor doesn’t make one Christian (and simply calling yourself a Christian doesn’t make it true). And sadly, now, it doesn’t always inspire hope that all pastors are Christian. So as those on mission for the glory of God and the good of the Church in the redemption of souls we must carefully submit to godly leadership to lead us in mission.

Rumored Thoughts (Pt. 3)

(Part 1 & Part 2)

So all of this began my thoughts on a pastor’s role in/on mission.

Leaders are what pastors are, the ones who are to be in front of the rest of the people both showing them how to do things and how to not do things. Teaching doctrine and discipleship while living a life on mission.

So it should follow that a pastor should be leading the charge in the mess of mission, right? That these men shouldn’t be the archetypal clean man, but rather the one in the fray, learning and leading with cuts on his knuckles and blood in his eyes.

Yet, often times the one who’s the cleanest is the one in leadership. (This is what my past has shown me at least.) Ironic, if you ask me.

This isn’t flattering to pastors. This isn’t flattering to myself. This isn’t flattering to any Christian. It ought to be hurtful, to all of us. The ones leading us aren’t the Braveheart type of leadership; rather they’re the one’s standing in the back, “’Cause they’re too important to lose.”

Our leaders (me) aren’t showing us mission well, because rather than disciple-ing (teaching while going about life) they sit behind their desk (or coffee mug) and tell others how they ought to do mission.

So the change should be, what? That a pastor should lead his people in the charge of mission? Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. It ought to be the pastor’s primary aim, mission.

Indeed, preaching and administrating are affective tools in mission, but they are not mission itself; they are not the aim. Rather discipleship is the focus of mission and therein the pastor should strive to thrive.

Discipleship is the focus of mission because the gospel is the focus of discipleship, and the gospel is the focus of discipleship because the gospel reveals to us the glory of God, and to that end the leader must lead, or he is no pastor.

At least this is my understanding of the pastor’s role.

Rumored Thoughts (Pt. 1)

Mission is never clean; never is mission simple; never is mission easy.

Recently I’ve been confronted by the fact I don’t look like most pastors (neither do the ones I work with). I’m glad for it.

Sure there’s the preconceived notions of what pastors should look like, the way we ought to dress, the jargon we ought to use, and the places and people we ought to hang out at and with.

My thoughts on this began a while ago, but they were solidified with a rumor I heard about me (I guess being plugged into the Wichita grapevine has an advantage). It wasn’t a nasty rumor, not at all, and it was absurd enough to let it slide off my back, but it has also made me ask some questions. And the answers I’m coming up with aren’t too flattering, to myself or to other pastors.

You see mission is dirty. We’re called to go and to be within the crowd, to get to know ‘tax-collectors and sinners’ and love them in such a way so as to show Jesus to them. I don’t think there’s a way to do this and remain clean.

There’s no way to get to know a drunk unless you go to the bar. There’s no way to love the homeless guy unless you sit with them and listen. There’s no way to befriend the artists unless you go to their exhibit…

There’s going to be a few posts in this, because this is something I need to learn. Hopefully you can learn with me.

(Read all of these posts: Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6)

Alone & Thinking of...

I was thinking the other day (I know odd, right?) about the word ‘alone’ (Man, when I say it like that I sound/feel like such a nerd.). We use it fairly often in descriptions of relational status’, who we’re not with, and other goodies such as, “The tree stood alone on the hill.” But the thought occurred to me while I was thunking, “We’re not ever really alone, strictly speaking.”

Really the idea came up ages ago from an old Youth Pastor, it was the first thing he told me when I conveyed my desire of being a pastor to him. He said, “Are you alright with being alone?” At the time I didn’t get it (quite actually, I still don’t think I get it.), but now it makes a little more since.

I don’t think he meant physically alone. Like, “Are you ok with being by yourself.” Nor do I think he meant it in the terms of the lonely-leadership syndrome. I really think he meant it like I mean it now to say, “Are you ok with being alone with God?”

You see that’s the issue. We’re not alone, there’s an omnipresent God around. But we’re not ‘ok’ with being just with him. Is this wrong? To some degree it is. When we’re constantly running from thing to thing trying to never be alone, then yes, yes this is wrong. But when the silence of the absence of others washes over us and we are alone with the Creator of the universe – that’s probably one of the best things to be doing.

So, here it stands, the question at the end of my thinking, “Why am I not alright with being alone with God?” The answers are long and various, but the simple fact-of-the-matter is this: my sin can’t stand him. Thus, it’s back to Jesus my saving Lord. Who makes me capable of knowing I need this omnipresent God and not merely that but causing me to feel love toward this ever-present Father.