Last year when I resigned from my job I told the other pastors that I needed time to "relearn" what I believe.
Let me explain: my faith had become professional; my belief in the gospel had become a daytime thing and a nighttime absence. It was a coping mechanism of sorts – telling people to believe and believe and have faith and endure while my own soul crumbled inside because – for some dumb reason – faith was for the masses but not for me.
What’s more is I felt like I had been bleeding and dying for the church since it started. But that’s dumb too – cause Jesus has already bled and died for his church, that’s not the pastor’s job, the pastor’s job is to point people to the Lamb that was slain, not to be the slain. So in essence I had made the church my god and my faith was the sacrifice to make her live…
Then God broke me. (But y’all know that story.)
When I said, “I need to relearn what I believe,” I had no idea how God was going to do that. In my head there was a picture of rereading every book I’d ever read about God. Then January happened. Then Mackenzie happened – engagement happened and soon enough marriage will happen.
He’s re-teaching me everything I ever learned. He’s taking me – some kid – and sitting me down and saying, “Be a man, follow me.” And I have to, there’s no way to not now. The only way to be a lion-hearted and lamb-like husband is to cling to the old rugged gospel and know the blood of the Lamb, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, has covered my wife and I.
I never would’ve expected God to teach me like this, but that’s how he does things, isn’t it? In ways we don’t expect. We think he’ll take us and mold us gently and neatly, but then he does it and it seems so messy and dangerous – but it has to be messy, cause we’re a messy sinful people. He forces us to trust him, in pain and in joy, to look to him and be still and know that he is God and we are not. And he will be steadfast, immovable, and unchanging the same God that Abraham followed and the same God that burned in the bush and stood in the fiery furnace. He will be, “I AM.”