Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Adventures - An Engagement Story (VI)

​So we hopped on the bus (after letting everyone stare at us) and two seats were open next to each other (!) so we took the spots and continued our conversation, but I went first cause I’m supposed to be the leader (God ordained that like he ordained the whole thing). I told her we should seriously consider this because of the people who’ve recommended us to each other, that it would be unwise to not consider something. (When I get nervous I get formal, like really formal.)

​She agreed then asked, “Do you want to do this?” I hesitated and all the fears and memories of my last relationship filled my brain and scared me and I wanted to run and hide in the middle of India forever, then this small voice said it again, “Love her.” “Yes, I want to do this,” I said.

​Practical things and what nots we began to think about and talk about and consider, I was just thrilled she was sitting beside me and comfortable with the idea of her being there for the rest of my life – next to me. (I was able to baptize people that day too, the best part of being a pastor, seeing the dead go under and the living come up, knowing the person I’m now holding was dead, their soul dead and nasty but God who is rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved them made them alive together with Christ, and being the instrument to help this person proclaim to angels and men and demons alike that Jesus has saved this soul!)

​That night on the drive back to LNC as Kenzie’s head rested on my shoulder I stared at her and tears were in my eyes as she snuggled a little closer because all shadows of fear of past failures or future mistakes were gone and all clarity that this woman would be my wife was there before me, “She’s here now, now I can fulfill the calling God has placed on my life and follow him to the ends of the earth and this beautiful sleeping girl will go with me.” It was a sobering thought, not a twitterpated feeling of fleeting fancy or lust, but a simple God-has-done-this-and-will-do-this thought. She’s here now I can go.

​Mackenzie and Mallory left the next morning. I got up early (crazy hair and all) to say goodbye. Kenzie and I went to the roof and prayed as we stared out over the city of Visakhapatnam. We prayed for God to lead us, to guide us, to take us where he would take us. I carried her and Mallory’s bags down to the car and Yesup offered for me to go to the airport with them, so I quick like a bunny put pants on and jumped in the car.

​We didn’t talk too much on the way there, even at breakfast we didn’t talk much, Kenzie and I, we were just together. I wanted to hold her hand or just hug her but didn’t know if I could or should. As we sat waiting we set up a Skype date for Monday night. The time came for her to go, I was scared, what was going to happen now that we were returning to “real life?” We hugged, she lingered, it was wonderful, and then through security she went.

​Monika and I stayed and watched and waved them through, talking the entire time about Kenzie and I, my heart was pounding and my throat was tense, what was this feeling? Why was I feeling so distorted? Monika said it on the drive back, “Do you feel like half of you is gone?” That was it, I felt less than whole… Not that Kenzie completes me or saves me, but that God was doing a work in my heart.

​My flights back to the US were odd. I’d done this many times before, each time it’s gotten a little harder to return, but this time was more difficult than before. I was weepy, like an emotional junior high girl. But I was content… She was here and now I could relax. No more wondering about where she was or praying about who she was, she is here now, now I can relax as well as fulfill my calling.

​Every time I’d close my eyes to pray about Mackenzie and I God would show me more and more of the life he has in store for us. I’ve not shared this with her yet (you’re hearing this now dear), but God has been revealing our future to me since we met. Where we’ll go, people we’ll preach too, how we’ll worship him together – I’m no prophet, but I know we’ll suffer deeply together and rejoice highly together, I know we’ll go to India together and then to Egypt, I don’t know how we’ll do it but God will provide he always does. I also know you’ll forgive me for my dangerous past and I’ll love you more deeply because of yours… My God you’re made beautiful by God and I get to have glimpses into our future.

​This was my flight home from India.
​We Skyped that Monday night, and decided to look for plane tickets since she’d have time off that next weekend, and God provided a $250.00 ticket. We jumped on that deal and I was there on Thursday the same week. How that was possible is all the working of God.

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